I know it's been a while since I've been here. I've thought about posting several times. But for an all to brief period I had the delusion that "I'm all better now. Over the hump. Can take all pregnancy announcements and genuinely be happy for them...' Yeah, NOT. So now I'm back again...
My, pregnant, best friend came over the other day with her hubby for our usual weekend hang-out evenings. (Other friends included.) My friend starts to talk about how she was feeling the baby move (as usual I brace myself for the head-on collision of unwanted emotions). She wanted to buy a stethoscope so as to listen to the baby. I don't know, maybe I should have kept my mouth shut about having one (I work in healthcare) and just said mine was at the office. But no, in my ever forging charade to look happy for them, upon asking I lend her the spare I had at home. This led to an evening of lifting up the shirt to expose the firm rounding belly followed up with excited listening. No, I wasn't about to listen... I hear enough odd noises through those things and don't care to do it for free, especially now. I took the rest of the evening in stride, chosing instead to be busy by doing the dishes - so as to have an excuse for not participating in the conversation.
The next several days have since led me into what I refer to as the 'Daydream Factor'. Somewhat similar to the 'What-if Factor', only more in the fantasy.
In the 'What-If Factor' I sit around and think about stuff like, 'What if I were pregnant? Which route do I go? Meaning, do I take the high road and announce discreetly and not always bring up the preganancy because I recognize how hard it is for other women struggling to hear? Or do I totally go the childish/ slightly evil route within that says "Hell! I worked harder than all these hefers that just spread their legs and have a baby fall out! So I'm going the low road and totally gushing every moment about my pregnancy and how my baby is going to be the cutest of all and show off every possible moment I can squeeze out the the situation, because damn it, I want them to see what it feels like to have all that thrown in their face when they really don't want to hear it"?? (No internal issues here...ha.)
which tends to lead to the 'Daydream Factor'...
This involves the fantacies...and oh boy do I have fantacies. Lately its the one where I end up pregnant (as always). Very Pregnant. With multiples. And my life turns into something like the McCaughey septuplets. Not only am I pregnant and not only am I pregnant with multiples...but I'm pregnant with SPONSORSHIP! Jackpot! My hard work has paid off! All those hours enduring pregnancy announcements and baby showers while holding back tears or rushing to the bathroom to let them out has now reaped its reward.... like Megaball-Lotto-Winning reward. Cuz now my family and friends are present at my baby shower, which is everybit as cute...only with TV cameras capturing it for posterity. Johnson & Johnson is there to announce their gift of free diapers for a lifetime. Babies-R-Us is outfitting our nursery. Chrysler is giving us a Town & Country with all the bells and whisles. The kids turn out cuter than a Baby Gap Ad. We're on the Today show and Ann Curry knows us by name. We get one those rediculously cute baby covers on People Magazine. Disney World pays for us to come over and give the kids a 'magical experience'. And we end up like the Gosselin family only my husband and I manage to act older than the kids... (once again with the internal issues.)
But back to (everyone-else-is-pregnant-but-us) reality...
I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one whose brain veers in these diluted daydreams? Or off the wall, sometimes un-Christian like, fantasies? In reality, all I want is what most people seem to do so naturally; have children, raise them and share their life experiences with them. But instead it seems like infertility has turned me into this person who tries to outwardly hold it together and be positive while inwardly feeling sad, and sometimes bitter at the situation... then wondering if I have an undiagnosed psychiatric issue.
...Guess that's what this blog is all about: Secret infertility related psychiatric issues.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
2 years of humping, counting, charting, testing, and then it starts....the ranting that is...
Today's the day. The day I finally rant to someone (or something) other than my husband about how much infertility sucks.
It started about 2 to 2.5 years ago. After 5 years of marriage, finishing colleges, buying a new house, we were ready and willing to go from "not, not trying" to full out TRYING to have a baby. But after 1 year of monthly counting, temperature taking, online reasearching, and far more waiting - the disallution that conceiving a baby might be harder than anticipated. So then the visits to the OB/GYN started...and after about 8-9 months and several hundreds of dollars of test... it was confirmed: Anti-sperm antibody. Never heard of it? Basically I'm allergic to my husband...or at least his sperm. Of all the crazy things...
And of course, the next recommendation: IUI, then several other letters if those initials don't work ...and so the whole dirty, expensive road begins.
But that isn't necessarily why I'm here...I'm here because I'm tired of bottling in all the fustration. I'm tired of watching everyone around me get pregnant (some more than once) and make it look so easy to plan and execute. Mean while I sit there with my false smile and my pat answer to the question with: "we're still thinking about children". (Yeah, like only everyday since LONG before it occurred to you to throw on a teddy, hop into bed, and let the congratulations just come rolling in.) I guess I'm most fustrated at suffering in silence because I don't want unsolicited advice, I don't want pity, and I don't want people acting different around me when a pregnant person is in the room. (What I really want is to have my own child!)
So far I've held together rather well. I've easily avoided baby showers, or make short appearances at the ones I couldn't avoid: opting for sending a gift with nice message via the web, or having the ready excuse for why I can't stay at ones I'm forced into attending. I've smiled politely, congratulated hartily, and saved my tears for a later (private) use after baby dedications, pregnancy chatter in the OB waiting rooms, the dreaded Mother's Day at church, the family pining over the new babies during holidays, birthdays, and frankly any occation where getting together with children might occur. I've endured endless prodding questions about our reproduction plans from family, friends, co-workers and flat out strangers who find out I've been married 7.5 years...and all without losing my diginity or religion.
But now that our best friends of about 10 years (since before marriage) who live down the road from us, whom we see every weekend and during the week have announced their preganancy. I'm wondering if my dignity will stay intact, for what will assuredly be, a long endearing next year. My husband tried to listen to me but it was obvious that he couldn't understand why I was struggling so hard with this. Don't get me wrong, I knew it was coming. They wanted children in the near future, and she was showing the signs I longed to have. (Never thought I'd wish for nausea, vomiting, or heartburn.) So I'm not terribly shocked, and will be happy to seem them become parents...but I'd be a complete fool to not realize how depressed I am about how hard things are for us, and how much harder it's going to be this next year watching my friend's belly swell, enduring her wanting to talk about plans, symptoms, baby registries and whatnot. And all the while, unable to bring myself to now say anything about the struggle we've had and are going to have out of not wanting to take away any joy of this first pregnancy from our bestest friends.
Thus I turn here:
To rant, to rave, to sound as illogical, hormonal, and down right Bitchy about infertility as I need to be - to cope, muddle through, and deal......
....that is, until we find a way (and money) to Kick Infertility's Ass!
It started about 2 to 2.5 years ago. After 5 years of marriage, finishing colleges, buying a new house, we were ready and willing to go from "not, not trying" to full out TRYING to have a baby. But after 1 year of monthly counting, temperature taking, online reasearching, and far more waiting - the disallution that conceiving a baby might be harder than anticipated. So then the visits to the OB/GYN started...and after about 8-9 months and several hundreds of dollars of test... it was confirmed: Anti-sperm antibody. Never heard of it? Basically I'm allergic to my husband...or at least his sperm. Of all the crazy things...
And of course, the next recommendation: IUI, then several other letters if those initials don't work ...and so the whole dirty, expensive road begins.
But that isn't necessarily why I'm here...I'm here because I'm tired of bottling in all the fustration. I'm tired of watching everyone around me get pregnant (some more than once) and make it look so easy to plan and execute. Mean while I sit there with my false smile and my pat answer to the question with: "we're still thinking about children". (Yeah, like only everyday since LONG before it occurred to you to throw on a teddy, hop into bed, and let the congratulations just come rolling in.) I guess I'm most fustrated at suffering in silence because I don't want unsolicited advice, I don't want pity, and I don't want people acting different around me when a pregnant person is in the room. (What I really want is to have my own child!)
So far I've held together rather well. I've easily avoided baby showers, or make short appearances at the ones I couldn't avoid: opting for sending a gift with nice message via the web, or having the ready excuse for why I can't stay at ones I'm forced into attending. I've smiled politely, congratulated hartily, and saved my tears for a later (private) use after baby dedications, pregnancy chatter in the OB waiting rooms, the dreaded Mother's Day at church, the family pining over the new babies during holidays, birthdays, and frankly any occation where getting together with children might occur. I've endured endless prodding questions about our reproduction plans from family, friends, co-workers and flat out strangers who find out I've been married 7.5 years...and all without losing my diginity or religion.
But now that our best friends of about 10 years (since before marriage) who live down the road from us, whom we see every weekend and during the week have announced their preganancy. I'm wondering if my dignity will stay intact, for what will assuredly be, a long endearing next year. My husband tried to listen to me but it was obvious that he couldn't understand why I was struggling so hard with this. Don't get me wrong, I knew it was coming. They wanted children in the near future, and she was showing the signs I longed to have. (Never thought I'd wish for nausea, vomiting, or heartburn.) So I'm not terribly shocked, and will be happy to seem them become parents...but I'd be a complete fool to not realize how depressed I am about how hard things are for us, and how much harder it's going to be this next year watching my friend's belly swell, enduring her wanting to talk about plans, symptoms, baby registries and whatnot. And all the while, unable to bring myself to now say anything about the struggle we've had and are going to have out of not wanting to take away any joy of this first pregnancy from our bestest friends.
Thus I turn here:
To rant, to rave, to sound as illogical, hormonal, and down right Bitchy about infertility as I need to be - to cope, muddle through, and deal......
....that is, until we find a way (and money) to Kick Infertility's Ass!
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