Today's the day. The day I finally rant to someone (or something) other than my husband about how much infertility sucks.
It started about 2 to 2.5 years ago. After 5 years of marriage, finishing colleges, buying a new house, we were ready and willing to go from "not, not trying" to full out TRYING to have a baby. But after 1 year of monthly counting, temperature taking, online reasearching, and far more waiting - the disallution that conceiving a baby might be harder than anticipated. So then the visits to the OB/GYN started...and after about 8-9 months and several hundreds of dollars of test... it was confirmed: Anti-sperm antibody. Never heard of it? Basically I'm allergic to my husband...or at least his sperm. Of all the crazy things...
And of course, the next recommendation: IUI, then several other letters if those initials don't work ...and so the whole dirty, expensive road begins.
But that isn't necessarily why I'm here...I'm here because I'm tired of bottling in all the fustration. I'm tired of watching everyone around me get pregnant (some more than once) and make it look so easy to plan and execute. Mean while I sit there with my false smile and my pat answer to the question with: "we're still thinking about children". (Yeah, like only everyday since LONG before it occurred to you to throw on a teddy, hop into bed, and let the congratulations just come rolling in.) I guess I'm most fustrated at suffering in silence because I don't want unsolicited advice, I don't want pity, and I don't want people acting different around me when a pregnant person is in the room. (What I really want is to have my own child!)
So far I've held together rather well. I've easily avoided baby showers, or make short appearances at the ones I couldn't avoid: opting for sending a gift with nice message via the web, or having the ready excuse for why I can't stay at ones I'm forced into attending. I've smiled politely, congratulated hartily, and saved my tears for a later (private) use after baby dedications, pregnancy chatter in the OB waiting rooms, the dreaded Mother's Day at church, the family pining over the new babies during holidays, birthdays, and frankly any occation where getting together with children might occur. I've endured endless prodding questions about our reproduction plans from family, friends, co-workers and flat out strangers who find out I've been married 7.5 years...and all without losing my diginity or religion.
But now that our best friends of about 10 years (since before marriage) who live down the road from us, whom we see every weekend and during the week have announced their preganancy. I'm wondering if my dignity will stay intact, for what will assuredly be, a long endearing next year. My husband tried to listen to me but it was obvious that he couldn't understand why I was struggling so hard with this. Don't get me wrong, I knew it was coming. They wanted children in the near future, and she was showing the signs I longed to have. (Never thought I'd wish for nausea, vomiting, or heartburn.) So I'm not terribly shocked, and will be happy to seem them become parents...but I'd be a complete fool to not realize how depressed I am about how hard things are for us, and how much harder it's going to be this next year watching my friend's belly swell, enduring her wanting to talk about plans, symptoms, baby registries and whatnot. And all the while, unable to bring myself to now say anything about the struggle we've had and are going to have out of not wanting to take away any joy of this first pregnancy from our bestest friends.
Thus I turn here:
To rant, to rave, to sound as illogical, hormonal, and down right Bitchy about infertility as I need to be - to cope, muddle through, and deal......
....that is, until we find a way (and money) to Kick Infertility's Ass!
